How to Talk to Young Kids About ICE

A steady guide for parents of preschool and elementary-age kids

Like many parents right now, I’ve had to pause and think carefully about how to talk with my own child about what’s happening in our communities. Not because I have the perfect words, but because kids are asking real questions. And those questions can land hard in a parent’s body.

I’m Samantha Moe, a certified parent coach who helps parents navigate big feelings and big behaviors at home.  I’m also a mom to a five-and-a-half-year-old, married, and living in St. Paul, Minnesota.

Over the past 22 years, I’ve learned that when kids ask hard questions, what parents need most isn’t an exact script or a perfect explanation.  We need a steady way to approach the feelings underlying the conversation, even when we don’t know all the answers.

This is not a political post. This is about helping parents have calm, supportive conversations so kids can process what they’re hearing and feel safe in their bodies. (And maybe you’ll benefit too.)

Some families are directly impacted by immigration enforcement and are navigating realities that require specific, professional, and legal guidance that I do not have experience with. My hope is that this framework for talking with young kids about ICE supports you.

First, start with yourself

When a child asks a hard question, the instinct is to answer fast.

Pause instead.

Take a breath. Feel your feet. Let your shoulders drop.

Kids read our nervous systems faster than our words. A child’s brain is always assessing, “Am I safe?”  You don’t need to respond perfectly. You can support them well by responding thoughtfully (with your words and your body presence).

Start with curiosity, not explanation

Before answering, ask a question.

Helpful prompts:

  • “What made you think of that?”
  • “What have you heard?”
  • “What do you know so far?”
  • ”“Have you seen anything about this (at school or on a screen)?”

This tells you some of what your child is actually holding inside.  Often there’s fear or confusion underneath the question.

Name the feeling underneath

For younger kids, naming the feeling matters more than the facts.

You might say:

  • “That sounds confusing.”
  • “I can see why that would feel scary.”
  • “Big questions can make our bodies feel tight.”

You’re not agreeing with the fear. You’re helping their nervous system settle by not carrying heavy feelings alone.

Decide how direct to be, based on your family’s reality

Every family gets to decide how much detail their child needs and how much detail they want their child to have.

In my own home, my child hasn’t been directly impacted, yet close friends and family members have been.  Our circumstances allow me to offer more protection and less detail.

In other homes, conversations are more concrete because safety requires it.

Both approaches are responsive. Neither is wrong.

It might be supportive to affirm: “Some families are worried about safety. Grown-ups are working to make sure kids are safe.

What helps kids feel safe

For younger kids, safety lives in routine and connection, not long explanations.

Focus on:

  • Keeping daily routines steady
  • Physical reassurance and closeness
  • Calm, predictable presence
  • Play time, away from stress
  • Short answers, then following their lead

A simple script:

“Some adults have jobs where they check on families. That can feel confusing to hear about. You’re safe right now, and we take care of you.”

Then stop. Let them play. Let them come back if they need more.

Kids will “dose” how often and how long they need to check in with you for support.

This doesn’t always look like a conversation.  In our family, my child who likes to pretend-play “monsters” spontaneously started announcing he’s an “Ice Monster.”  He’s heard the word in my conversations with other trusted adults and can feel the stress around it.  To discharge some of his nerves we played out being cold ice monsters where he got to be the powerful winner, repeatedly.

For others, the conversation will become direct at times.  A beloved 4-year-old relative of mine recently asked her mom “what color is my skin?”  Since birth, they’ve read books about race and she felt safe asking her mommy but there’s now a touch of worry in her voice.  They had a loving discussion about how people look different on the outside yet their insides are the same (to which the 4-year-old cheerfully declared “people’s blood is all the same color!”).  Then her mom told her that mami and papi will always keep her safe.  Her daughter relaxed a little with the affirmation and cried (stress release) in loving arms.

How conversations shift for older elementary kids (roughly ages 8–11)

Older kids are trying to make sense of what’s happening.

Underneath their questions are often quieter ones:

  • Are we safe?
  • Are my friends and family safe?
  • Is our community safe?

Because of screens and social media, they may have seen things before they talk about them.

Start the same way. With curiosity.

Helpful prompts:

  • “What have you heard?”
  • “What do you know about it?”
  • “Have you seen anything about this online or at school?”

Your job is not to correct or convince. It’s to help them organize what they already know.

Offer simple facts, then listen

You can name facts without overwhelming.

You might say:

“Some people who work for the government are checking immigration status. Different families are affected in different ways. People have a lot of feelings about it.  Would you like to share yours?  Would you like to hear mine?”

Then pause. Watch their response. Let them lead.

Make room for closeness, even without answers

These conversations don’t always wrap up neatly.

You can say:

  • “I don’t have all the answers, but I’m really glad we’re talking.”
  • “We can keep coming back to this.”

Being together in uncertainty is regulating. Being together when you’re regulated and steady is reassuring.

Expect stress to show up elsewhere

When kids are worried about safety, it affects their whole system.

You may notice:

  • Trouble focusing on homework
  • Irritability or sensitivity
  • Fatigue or poor sleep
  • Sudden tears or emotional outbursts

This isn’t misbehavior. It’s stress showing up in the body.

Tenderness and patience matter right now.

Protect their nervous system from constant exposure

Just like with younger kids:

  • Turn off live news updates when kids are around
  • Keep adult conversations out of earshot
  • Limit repeated exposure to distressing content

Older kids may say they’re fine. Their nervous systems still absorb what they see.

Talk plainly about hard topics when they arise

If questions come up about racism, discrimination, or harmful stereotypes, it’s okay to talk about them directly.

You might say:

  • “Sometimes people are treated unfairly because of how they look or where they’re from. That’s not okay.”
  • “In our family, we talk about these things honestly and with care.”

Clear, values-based language helps kids feel anchored.

Offer empowerment and guide kindness, not helplessness

Fear settles when kids hear about or notice helpers.

If it fits your family, you can talk about:

  • Ways people support each other with food, rides, or care
  • Peaceful ways communities speak up
  • Small actions that align with your family’s values

Maybe you want to suggest: “What are some nice things we could say or do to support family/friends/ community?”  

Be sure to suggest some ideas because this is new territory to them, but they also may surprise you!

You’re not asking your child to fix anything. You’re showing them they’re not alone.

Remember that stress lives in the body

Anxiety, fear, anger, and overwhelm live in the body, not just in thoughts.

Support regulation with:

  • Slow breathing together
  • Stretching or shaking out tension
  • Mind-body practices like yoga, Tai Chi, or Qigong
  • Playing together

These help the body feel safe again.

Watch how stress shows up over time

Stress may show up as:

  • Trouble sleeping
  • Clinginess
  • Withdrawal
  • Irritability
  • Spontaneous crying
  • Big emotions that feel sudden

These are signals, not failures.

Your steady presence is the regulation.

Additional voices and resources

If you want to hear from other perspectives, here are a few resources I’ve tuned into:

A final word

You don’t need the perfect words.
You don’t need all the answers.

What helps kids feel safe is a calm adult, steady routines, and knowing they can keep coming back with questions.

If this helped, feel free to share it with another parent who might appreciate a steady guide in their pocket right now.